You Really Don't Know

In the years since my abortion, I have heard people say that they did not realize what effects it would have on them emotionally. They thought it would be easy and over with as soon as they walked out of the clinic. I always disagreed with that. I said, "How could someone not know it would effect them?" I even told my husband before we went that I would probably resent him for awhile and that I would be sad, obviously. And that it would be hard to get over. But the more I think about it, the more that comment I made makes me realize I didn't know what effect it would have on me. I had no clue that it would turn my entire World upside down. That I would think about her every moment of everyday. That I would carry this around for the rest of my life...I had no clue that Lucy would become such a huge part of everything I do.


Although I prefer to have had her with me, here on Earth. I find Peace in the fact that she lived out her life. She changed me and gave me a purpose-to help others heal, not only through this blog, but through PASS and abortion recovery services. I Miss My Lucy with all my Heart, but I also find comfort in knowing that I have an Angel looking over me, my Husband, and my Sweet Living Daughter every day. I once heard a lady say that she knows as soon as she gets to Heaven she will hold her Baby. I believe this is true. But until then, an Angel is just swaying back and forth with My Lucy in her arms.


On a side note, my Husband and I are doing quite a lot better. I wrote him a note, per the advice of a very dear friend on the PASS Boards, and we briefly talked about it. Some of the things he said made my hate for him just-disappear. They were some of the most sincere things he has said since it happened and I truly believe with all my Heart now that no matter how he acts or how well he holds it in, he too Misses Our Lucy and regrets what we did.

God Has Called My Name

Before I had an abortion, I thought, "That will never be me. I am pro-life. And there is always a way." I judged the people I knew had had abortions, just like I am sure many of you reading this are doing now. (Especially those of you who know me and have figured it out by now who I am. )"Anybody who could ever do such a thing is heartless, and I don't care what they say. If you regretted it so much, you wouldn't have done it," I thought. Oh ya. I even told people when I found out somebody had an abortion. I didn't realize how hurtful that was. What a trigger that was to someone who truly Loved their Baby, but reacted regretfully in such a situation. After my abortion, my sympathy for everybody changed. Not just for those that have had an abortion. But for those who were homeless. Those who actually kept their children, but didn't have money to feed them. Those who were hurting for any reason. I thought, "I make mistakes, and so does everyone else. Nobody is perfect. And God Loves us all." I really wanted to do something to make a difference. I now had the compassion that I needed to help others. 
 
That is when I realized. God used Lucy to call my name. God used Lucy to stop me in my tracks and bring me down a level. I was not indestructible or perfect, nor would I ever be.

God, hear my prayer. Lead me to where I need to be. Show me the road to recovery so that I may show others. Abortion is an awful loss that too many women have endured. Help me not to fight it, as there are enough protesters. Show me how to prevent it. And show me how to help those who are already suffering from the painful scars abortion leaves behind.
Amen.

My Story

After I had my first daughter, my husband and I lived with my Mom so that we could both finish highschool, which we did. I graduated early in December 2009, and shortly before that I found out I was pregnant again. (We had only had sex ONE time in over a year.)

We talked about and talked about it. I kept saying, No. No. No. No. My husband kept saying, "Your Mom has already said she will kick us out if we get pregnant again." I said, No. We will find a way. He kept saying, "What about Samantha?” That is our daughter. At the time, she was having a lot of health issues with her muscles. We were afraid she would be labeled "Special Needs." We didn't want to lose her to social services because we didn't have a place to live. She needed us. We needed her. So I said, “Adoption.” But it wouldn't fly with my Mom if she even found out I was pregnant again. We just knew it. His last testament was, "What if I lose you?" I had complications in bleeding too much with my first pregnancy/labor and now he thinks he will lose me to another, but abortion is just as dangerous. How stupid I was to have sex that one time. Because of that, I will always have a child that I will never be able to hold.

December 29, 2009...I went to an abortion clinic in Atlanta. The name-Summit Medical Center. They were the only one I could find that would take me, at age 17 and married, without parent consent. They were also the only ones that would give me a medical abortion without a protocol of 1 hour driving time.

We sat. We waited. We cried. We waited HOURS. They took my blood and gave me an ultrasound. The lady yelled at me and told me I wasn't sitting right and to stop moving. I was very uncomfortable. It hurt and all she was worried about was "Sit still so I can take a picture." The Baby was so small, just a dot. I was 6-1/2 weeks. My husband was not allowed to go back with me. The room they put me in was with a bunch of women. They were all so nonchalant and unconcerned about anything but themselves. One woman said, "Seriously. I have had abortions before that didn't take this long. They need to hurry it up." Another woman said, "I am pregnant and hungry. I need to get up on out of here so I can eat something!" Why did it matter that she was pregnant? She shouldn't be treated like she is, because she won't be for long.

They finally came in and had us sign papers, one of which was for a promised follow-up. I never went to mine, but they didn't bother to check on me, dead or alive. They didn't care about me. They didn't care about my child. They just cared about getting their money.

They gave me the pill. I thought about not taking it. They weren't watching, but then, what would we do? We would still be in the same position. On the way out, the nurse said, "Happy Passing!" With a big smile on her face. I will never forget that. Never. How could she say something like that? How?

The drive home was terrible. I just wanted to see my BabyGirl. I hadn't seen her all day. There was heavy traffic. It was late at night. And I was hurting emotionally more than I ever had before. Probably ever will. All I could do for hours and hours was cry. And when I got home, I had to hold it all in. I was so ashamed of my choice. I couldn't let anyone know.

The worst part was having to do the rest. The last few pills had to be inserted vaginally at home. My daughter had no clue what was going on, but she kept wanting to lay in bed with me. It hurt so bad to know that she was sitting right next to me giving me kisses as I cried. And I was killing her sister. I didn't deserve her Love.

In the months surrounding my abortion my Papaw got shot. Our only car broke down. And my oldest brother tried to commit suicide by jumping out in front of an 18-wheeler truck. I didn't know how much more I could take.

I started abortion recovery classes, but it is still hard to deal with, what I did. Now I will never hold my Lucy. My husband will never hold his Lucy. And nothing can ever change that. My Daughter will never have the Little Sister she will probably want for. I will never have any more children. What I did was wrong. I rejected God's Little Blessing. And for that, I do not deserve another.

It has been a little over a year now, and I still feel the same. I have struggled. My marriage has struggled. And everyday is a constant battle for me. I wish I could be at Peace, but I doubt I ever will be. I recently found out that my Best Friend had an abortion a few months after I had mine. She is my Rock most of the time, but it is still hard to talk about. God would have provided. I know he would have. I wish I could change my mind, but don't we all. 
Name: Angel Lucy

Abortion Date: December 29, 2009

Due Date: August 21. 2010