In the years since my abortion, I have heard people say that they did not realize what effects it would have on them emotionally. They thought it would be easy and over with as soon as they walked out of the clinic. I always disagreed with that. I said, "How could someone not know it would effect them?" I even told my husband before we went that I would probably resent him for awhile and that I would be sad, obviously. And that it would be hard to get over. But the more I think about it, the more that comment I made makes me realize I didn't know what effect it would have on me. I had no clue that it would turn my entire World upside down. That I would think about her every moment of everyday. That I would carry this around for the rest of my life...I had no clue that Lucy would become such a huge part of everything I do.
Although I prefer to have had her with me, here on Earth. I find Peace in the fact that she lived out her life. She changed me and gave me a purpose-to help others heal, not only through this blog, but through PASS and abortion recovery services. I Miss My Lucy with all my Heart, but I also find comfort in knowing that I have an Angel looking over me, my Husband, and my Sweet Living Daughter every day. I once heard a lady say that she knows as soon as she gets to Heaven she will hold her Baby. I believe this is true. But until then, an Angel is just swaying back and forth with My Lucy in her arms.
On a side note, my Husband and I are doing quite a lot better. I wrote him a note, per the advice of a very dear friend on the PASS Boards, and we briefly talked about it. Some of the things he said made my hate for him just-disappear. They were some of the most sincere things he has said since it happened and I truly believe with all my Heart now that no matter how he acts or how well he holds it in, he too Misses Our Lucy and regrets what we did.
